F@ck this sh*t! I am tired of it, but not yet so tired that I cannot carry on. I wake-up every day and have the same two thoughts. Every. F@cking. Day.
“Wow! My _________________________________________________________________
[fill in the blank joint, bursa, bone or tendon except rarely the spine]
feels completely better.”
And then, once I’ve Frankensteined out of bed, and started my morning, almost-like everybody else my other ______________________________________________________________
[fill in the blank joint, bursa, bone or tendon except, thankfully rarely the spine]
starts lying to me.
I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m hoping that this will provide me some therapy and perhaps you the reader - however you know me and whatever you think of me - some insight into my (I fear unique) mix of physiological and mental pathologies.
As Ed Sheeran sung, I’m a mess inside. But I’m also doing well at the same time.
As a result, because I cannot afford to lose the income and because I REALLY don’t want to sell my home, I’m afraid to change what I’m doing.
I am not stuck so much as I am more broken than I appear on the outside, but no so much that I cannot continue as I am.
You see, the payoff, the goal, is to hold-on long enough to see the kids through their college or professional credential and then see where that new-found, hard-earned freedom takes us, even if that means early retirement.
With my Dad dying of cancer, it's hard for me to put my own struggles in perspective. I feel bad about myself as a result.
But I’m also proud and amazed at how well my company is doing and how much upside I think there is. That excites me. That, the kids and, yes, my wife… definitely my wife give me plenty of reason to keep going.
She really makes my life easier, more tolerable. I am really proud of her. I’m so glad to see her take her career seriously and most of all to step-up and provide to get my daughter what she needs. I’m hoping that she can get better work life balance and that she will be less distracted. I think that’s probably more a function of the dysfunction at her work than it is about anything else.
I am writing this today because last night my Fibromyalgia pain was the worst it's been, or at least that I can remember.